1 00:00:32,170 --> 00:00:35,370 Welcome to the Jesselnik Offensive. I'm Anthony Jesselnik. How are you kids 2 00:00:35,370 --> 00:00:36,370 doing tonight? 3 00:00:38,870 --> 00:00:43,030 Fantastic. We've got yet another perfect show for you tonight. Billy Eichner and 4 00:00:43,030 --> 00:00:44,050 Kristen Schaller here. 5 00:00:49,210 --> 00:00:52,930 There was a lot of horrible stuff in the news this week, but what do I know? I 6 00:00:52,930 --> 00:00:54,390 only read world star hip -hop. 7 00:00:56,360 --> 00:01:00,600 Everyone's still laughing about this one. Last week, a hot air balloon crash 8 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,520 Egypt killed 19 tourists. 9 00:01:03,220 --> 00:01:08,420 19 people are dead. But on the plus side, a bunch of lucky guys got out of 10 00:01:08,420 --> 00:01:09,420 proposing. 11 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:16,400 Here she is, Miss Teen Delaware, was forced to give up her crown this week 12 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,220 her porn video surfaced online. 13 00:01:19,020 --> 00:01:20,720 But there's another happy ending. 14 00:01:21,020 --> 00:01:24,880 She was just offered a quarter of a million dollar contract by YouPorn. 15 00:01:25,230 --> 00:01:29,890 Which just goes to show you, when God closes a door, he opens up a browser 16 00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:30,890 window. 17 00:01:32,430 --> 00:01:36,870 Let's put a face on this story. Last week, a woman in Boston received one of 18 00:01:36,870 --> 00:01:40,590 world's first successful face transplants. And she looks great. 19 00:01:40,870 --> 00:01:44,710 In fact, the only downside is constantly having to tell people she's actually 20 00:01:44,710 --> 00:01:46,030 not Mindy McCready. 21 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:54,300 That'll do, pig. The conservative watchdog group One Million Moms is upset 22 00:01:54,300 --> 00:01:57,460 Geico commercial featuring a pig on a date with a woman. 23 00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:58,840 Their biggest complaint? 24 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,920 The pig torments the Million Moms with its unobtainable body image. 25 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:11,580 That's no moon. Actress Carrie Fisher was recently hospitalized after a 26 00:02:11,580 --> 00:02:13,020 episode on a cruise ship. 27 00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:17,620 Reps for Fisher say she's sad that it happened, but happy that it happened. 28 00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:26,180 I don't think we talked about porn yet. A man in Michigan says that he was 29 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:29,300 robbed of over $7 ,000 worth of vintage porn. 30 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:30,980 $7 ,000. 31 00:02:31,540 --> 00:02:35,320 But can you really put a price on watching people give each other AIDS? 32 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:43,460 Hey, here's some news from the world of porn. 33 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:48,460 Joe Francis, the founder of the Girls Gone Wild video franchise, filed for 34 00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:49,720 bankruptcy last week. 35 00:02:50,860 --> 00:02:51,860 I know, right? 36 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:56,800 Devastating. The Girls Gone Wild franchise is now 16 years old, but 37 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,040 claims he has a release that says it's 18. 38 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:05,960 Let's get into this one. In Florida, at a building for the online college Full 39 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:10,400 Sail University, a student yelled racial slurs at a black classmate and then 40 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:11,660 stabbed him with a screwdriver. 41 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:16,740 Thus answering the question, what does it take to get kicked out of Full Sail 42 00:03:16,740 --> 00:03:17,740 University? 43 00:03:21,580 --> 00:03:26,920 And finally, Bobby Brown has been sentenced to 55 days in jail for a DUI. 44 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,960 Bobby said that normally he would never drive drunk, but he was in a hurry to 45 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:32,960 meet Whitney Houston. 46 00:03:34,500 --> 00:03:37,060 Thank you, everybody. That's my monologue. Good night! 47 00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:42,620 Thank 48 00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:49,320 you, thank 49 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,580 you, thank you. 50 00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:55,260 You guys are a great crowd. I don't usually do monologue encores, but what 51 00:03:55,260 --> 00:03:56,260 hell. 52 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:59,500 Plus, I'm almost positive we haven't talked about porn yet. 53 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:04,860 After open -heart surgery, porn star Ron Jeremy has been given the okay to have 54 00:04:04,860 --> 00:04:05,860 sex again. 55 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:12,840 And his female co -stars are thrilled to have him back, too. 56 00:04:12,940 --> 00:04:15,820 In fact, you can see it all over their faces. 57 00:04:23,270 --> 00:04:25,090 Now this is going to be a fun one. 58 00:04:25,670 --> 00:04:29,310 Thousands of dollars have been donated to fund a trip to Disney World for an 59 00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:33,490 Alabama child who was abducted and held for six days last month. It's a nice 60 00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:37,150 gesture, but they might want to start with the rides where he doesn't have to 61 00:04:37,150 --> 00:04:38,150 sit down. 62 00:04:40,350 --> 00:04:43,570 I'm just saying the kid's probably pretty rambunctious. 63 00:04:44,470 --> 00:04:47,910 Now clearly, child abduction is a very sensitive topic. 64 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:51,940 And whenever a topic is too sensitive to make a joke about, we make a bunch of 65 00:04:51,940 --> 00:04:54,600 jokes about it in a segment we call Sacred Cow. 66 00:04:54,980 --> 00:04:57,160 This week, we chose missing children. 67 00:04:57,780 --> 00:05:01,520 Now, when a child goes missing, getting a good photo out there is the most 68 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:05,500 important thing you can do to find them on the off chance they're still alive. 69 00:05:06,780 --> 00:05:08,420 Take this one, for instance. 70 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:13,600 See, that is not a good picture. This kid is never getting found. 71 00:05:14,900 --> 00:05:15,900 There you go. 72 00:05:17,270 --> 00:05:18,970 Now she's got a fighting chance. 73 00:05:20,310 --> 00:05:24,130 And with photo -aging technology, we can see what missing kids might look like 74 00:05:24,130 --> 00:05:28,290 today. And it also helps kidnappers see what they'll be working with in ten 75 00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:29,290 years. 76 00:05:31,310 --> 00:05:33,170 Yowza, she's a keeper. 77 00:05:34,550 --> 00:05:36,630 So, can missing children be funny? 78 00:05:37,030 --> 00:05:38,870 I don't know. I'm not an expert. 79 00:05:39,250 --> 00:05:41,030 So I went to go make fun of an expert. 80 00:05:41,290 --> 00:05:42,290 Watch this. 81 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,560 All right, sir. Thank you for joining me today to talk about missing children. 82 00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:49,820 Please tell me your name and what do you do? 83 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:55,320 My name is Logan Clark, and I am the co -founder of the International Human 84 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:56,560 Trafficking Task Force. 85 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,000 And are you comfortable right now? 86 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:02,580 As a matter of fact, I am. It's hard not to be. What's the most frightening 87 00:06:02,580 --> 00:06:08,220 statistic? About 100 ,000 women are 88 00:06:08,220 --> 00:06:14,870 inducted. into sexual slavery in the United States every year, and the 89 00:06:14,870 --> 00:06:20,030 average introduction age is 13 years old. Oh, man, 13 is the best. 90 00:06:22,070 --> 00:06:27,570 At what point do you just give up? Is it like a week, two, two days? 91 00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:31,790 The horrible thing would be to say when they run out of money. I don't do that. 92 00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:34,650 But you would if they ran out of money. 93 00:06:36,090 --> 00:06:41,240 You know, if I were a person who kidnaps children, I think a pretty good cover 94 00:06:41,240 --> 00:06:44,520 would be pretending to be someone who finds missing children. 95 00:06:47,380 --> 00:06:51,020 So over time, what's proven to be the most successful way to lure a kid into a 96 00:06:51,020 --> 00:06:55,080 van? The help me find my puppy approach, or who wants some candy approach? 97 00:06:55,580 --> 00:06:56,720 Help me find my puppy. 98 00:06:57,060 --> 00:06:58,400 Help me find my puppy is the good one? 99 00:06:58,700 --> 00:07:02,200 Yep. Showing a picture. Do you think a kitten would work as well, or do I have 100 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:05,740 to get a puppy? More kids like puppies than they like kittens. 101 00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:08,160 Everybody wants to save a puppy. Yeah. 102 00:07:08,730 --> 00:07:12,170 All right, Logan, let's try an exercise. See how good you are at finding people. 103 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:16,710 I want you to close your eyes and count to five, and I'm going to hide, and then 104 00:07:16,710 --> 00:07:18,250 I want you to try to find me. 105 00:07:18,770 --> 00:07:19,770 Ready, go. 106 00:07:31,810 --> 00:07:34,930 So statistically, how often is a child abducted? 107 00:07:35,190 --> 00:07:36,650 About every 40 seconds. 108 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,480 So why are you even talking to me right now? 109 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:41,180 That's a really good question. 110 00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:47,500 Kids these days, what are you going to do? 111 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,540 We'll be right back with Kristen Schaal and Billy Eichner. 112 00:08:05,659 --> 00:08:10,460 Welcome back to the Jesselnik Offensive. A new report from USA Today says that 113 00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:15,680 10 % of senior citizens have suffered from elder abuse, and that 90 % of you 114 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,400 picturing a Dominican nurse right now. 115 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,660 And that kind of abuse always happens behind closed doors, but no one ever 116 00:08:22,660 --> 00:08:24,100 attacks old people publicly. 117 00:08:24,580 --> 00:08:25,580 That's why we're here. 118 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,700 You guys have heard of dog shaming. 119 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,080 Now it's time for elderly shaming. 120 00:08:58,250 --> 00:09:01,190 Pretty little thing, let me light your candle, because we're about to coast 121 00:09:01,190 --> 00:09:03,350 through two acts of panel now. Gets around. 122 00:09:03,670 --> 00:09:04,690 It's time for panel. 123 00:09:05,350 --> 00:09:09,010 You know her from Flight of the Conchords, The Daily Show, and Bob's 124 00:09:09,030 --> 00:09:10,970 It's the fabulous Kristen Schaal. 125 00:09:13,430 --> 00:09:17,330 And from this hilarious show, Funny or Die, it's Billy on the Street. Please 126 00:09:17,330 --> 00:09:19,870 welcome the even more fabulous Billy Eichner. 127 00:09:23,510 --> 00:09:26,910 Kristen, Billy, so great to have you guys on here together. You guys went to 128 00:09:26,910 --> 00:09:27,910 college together, right? 129 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:29,199 Yeah. That is true. 130 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:32,460 We did. We were in acting class together for three years. 131 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:37,680 We paired up all the time to do scenes from Chekhov, Shakespeare, Greek 132 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,880 We're amazing, amazing actors, as everyone knows. Yeah. What was your 133 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:45,360 memory of working with her? I had a lot of good memories, but my favorite memory 134 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:49,840 is that I actually got to go into a dressing room once with Kristen Schaal 135 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,080 she was trying on bikinis. 136 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,680 And I'm gay, if you didn't know. 137 00:09:54,970 --> 00:09:59,730 She let me in the dressing room, and she completely exposed both of her breasts 138 00:09:59,730 --> 00:10:00,429 to me. 139 00:10:00,430 --> 00:10:03,130 Both of them? Both of them, including both nipples. 140 00:10:03,590 --> 00:10:05,550 And you're, like, still gay? 141 00:10:05,930 --> 00:10:10,130 Yeah, I know. Can you believe it? But they did look amazing. 142 00:10:10,390 --> 00:10:11,390 Yeah, they're good. 143 00:10:11,410 --> 00:10:12,269 They're really good. 144 00:10:12,270 --> 00:10:18,130 I have a memory of being at a party with you where we, like, stood in a circle, 145 00:10:18,230 --> 00:10:20,650 and you took your clothes off. 146 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,570 And I saw your package. 147 00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:28,030 Yeah. And it was awesome. Yeah. I have, like, an average -sized penis, but 148 00:10:28,030 --> 00:10:29,030 enormous balls. 149 00:10:29,510 --> 00:10:32,310 It sounds like you guys have people to party with at college. Yeah. 150 00:10:33,810 --> 00:10:37,570 And let's get right into it with the best worst thing of the week. Of all the 151 00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:39,570 awful news stories, this one's my favorite. 152 00:10:40,530 --> 00:10:44,030 Fundamentalist minister Scott Lively claims that he has proof that President 153 00:10:44,030 --> 00:10:45,030 Obama is gay. 154 00:10:45,570 --> 00:10:47,430 Which proves one thing for certain. 155 00:10:48,190 --> 00:10:50,510 Fundamentalist minister Scott Lively is gay. 156 00:10:52,220 --> 00:10:56,360 Lively says he spent time in Chicago gay bars looking for evidence and points to 157 00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:59,700 Obama's vacation with his male personal assistant, Reggie Love. 158 00:10:59,940 --> 00:11:04,380 Wow. If this is true, then it's bad news for Obama because he could get kicked 159 00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:05,440 out of his mosque. 160 00:11:06,340 --> 00:11:07,340 That's true. 161 00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:10,740 Here's the thing, though. This guy's name is Scott Lively. 162 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:13,980 Have you ever heard a gayer name than Scott Lively? 163 00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:15,220 No, no. 164 00:11:15,420 --> 00:11:18,320 That is the gayest name I ever heard. He's like Richard Simmons. 165 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:19,840 Yeah. 166 00:11:20,170 --> 00:11:23,890 What are the signs we should have seen that President Obama is a gay 167 00:11:27,330 --> 00:11:29,850 Those are job lips if I've ever seen them. 168 00:11:31,390 --> 00:11:32,410 Yeah, they're sore. 169 00:11:34,790 --> 00:11:40,230 I heard a rumor that he turned down an invite to the Secret Service Colombian 170 00:11:40,230 --> 00:11:41,230 hooker party. 171 00:11:41,370 --> 00:11:43,090 And who would turn that down? 172 00:11:43,350 --> 00:11:47,130 I don't know. I heard Obama only bailed out Chrysler because he wanted to save 173 00:11:47,130 --> 00:11:48,130 the PT Cruiser. 174 00:11:49,390 --> 00:11:51,350 I don't know what the PT Cruiser is. 175 00:11:51,730 --> 00:11:53,510 It's the car you own. Oh, okay. 176 00:11:55,130 --> 00:11:55,969 Fair enough. 177 00:11:55,970 --> 00:11:57,890 What does PT stand for? 178 00:11:58,770 --> 00:11:59,770 Penis Tunnel. 179 00:12:01,170 --> 00:12:03,050 Ah, it's the penis tunnel on wheels. 180 00:12:03,330 --> 00:12:04,770 Thanks for getting me out of that one, Billy. 181 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:08,490 For this, they canceled Chocolate News. 182 00:12:08,750 --> 00:12:09,750 Can you imagine? 183 00:12:11,150 --> 00:12:13,430 Please, they prefer to be called Key and Peele. 184 00:12:19,850 --> 00:12:20,850 Getting somewhere. 185 00:12:21,430 --> 00:12:22,790 Now we're getting somewhere. 186 00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:26,570 Now, Pastor Lively says he's got a proof that Obama was in a bunch of different 187 00:12:26,570 --> 00:12:30,070 gay bars in Chicago, which makes me think, what were the names of those gay 188 00:12:30,070 --> 00:12:31,930 bars? Like Dick's Butt Kiss? 189 00:12:32,810 --> 00:12:34,410 Michael Jordan's Steakhouse? 190 00:12:34,930 --> 00:12:35,930 Yeah. 191 00:12:36,970 --> 00:12:38,170 Al Cabone? 192 00:12:39,630 --> 00:12:41,070 Deep Bitch Pizza. 193 00:12:41,310 --> 00:12:43,890 Deep Bitch Pizza? Deep Bitch. Deep Bitch. 194 00:12:44,610 --> 00:12:46,550 Deep. Very deep. That's their motto. 195 00:12:46,770 --> 00:12:48,050 They want it deep. Real deep. 196 00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:49,650 Oprah Winfrey's apartment. 197 00:12:53,090 --> 00:12:56,910 I think that's actually called Gales O 'Grady. Oh! 198 00:12:58,090 --> 00:12:59,090 That's a good one. 199 00:12:59,250 --> 00:13:00,610 Oh, the Chicago white. 200 00:13:01,390 --> 00:13:02,390 Oh! 201 00:13:03,430 --> 00:13:05,950 Billy, are you going to let her give that to you? Give me one more. 202 00:13:06,230 --> 00:13:09,190 I don't know if I can top the Chicago white. 203 00:13:09,410 --> 00:13:11,810 So racist. Not even Obama could get in. 204 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:18,160 Of all the panel joints and all the panel towns and all the panel world, you 205 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:19,160 to panel into mine. 206 00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:21,420 We'll be right back with loads more panel. 207 00:13:34,860 --> 00:13:38,580 Welcome back. Once bitten, twice panel. We've got more panel. 208 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,940 Now it's time to play What's Their Problem? 209 00:13:42,270 --> 00:13:45,770 I'll show you a picture of someone from the news, and you tell me what's their 210 00:13:45,770 --> 00:13:47,010 problem. Okay. 211 00:13:47,490 --> 00:13:48,690 Here's our first little lady. 212 00:13:48,990 --> 00:13:51,950 Guys, what's her problem? 213 00:13:52,230 --> 00:13:53,510 Too much of a good thing. 214 00:13:55,410 --> 00:14:00,790 I think there's a possibility that she got fired from being a Kathy Bates 215 00:14:00,790 --> 00:14:01,790 impersonator. 216 00:14:02,690 --> 00:14:06,490 Maybe her problem is that her teeth are actively trying to escape from her head. 217 00:14:08,710 --> 00:14:10,410 Those are all good guesses, guys. 218 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:12,540 But here's what her actual problem is. 219 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,820 She's in trouble for wrapping her kid's face in duct tape and then sending out 220 00:14:16,820 --> 00:14:17,820 pictures. 221 00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:22,040 Although if you can think of a better way to get rid of those unsightly 222 00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:23,660 eyelashes, I'd like to hear it. 223 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:26,280 It looks a little bit like Renee Zellweger. 224 00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:33,800 Just say what you will, this kid does a great RoboCop. 225 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:38,340 You want to see my Zellweger impersonation? Yes, I do. 226 00:14:38,940 --> 00:14:40,540 Do you do a Renan's ballroom press? Yeah. 227 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,980 You had me at hello. 228 00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:48,980 It's out of practice. I didn't know I was going to do it. That was great. 229 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,900 Did you like it? I did like it. That was great. It completes me. 230 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,980 Next, check out this troubled spectator right here. 231 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:57,320 What's her problem? 232 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:02,760 Maybe she's on the phone and her uncle Ronnie told her that he heard the news 233 00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:04,040 that Obama's probably gay. 234 00:15:05,630 --> 00:15:08,790 She's just now getting a joke she heard on How I Met Your Mother. 235 00:15:11,590 --> 00:15:13,710 It is a shocking one. 236 00:15:14,010 --> 00:15:16,210 Yeah, she's like, that was edgy for that show. 237 00:15:18,810 --> 00:15:22,670 I'm sorry, guys, but this little lady was a little too close for comfort at 238 00:15:22,670 --> 00:15:27,290 Daytona 500 during one of the most awful crashes in the history of the sport. 239 00:15:28,390 --> 00:15:32,510 Yeah, look at that. I'm usually not a NASCAR fan, but when it's good, it's 240 00:15:35,340 --> 00:15:37,320 out she was using her rollover minutes. 241 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,160 Moving on, feast your eyes on this Disney princess. 242 00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:49,580 What's her problem? 243 00:15:49,980 --> 00:15:52,080 She just bombed her proactive commercial? 244 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:59,800 I look into her eyes and I see someone struggling with the same things I am. I 245 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:01,480 think she can't finish her novel. 246 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:04,940 She's Cameron Diaz. 247 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,000 Harsh, Billy. Harsh but fair. I like her. 248 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,360 What's not to like, and you guys are going to like it even more when you find 249 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:18,600 out what she actually did, her problem is that she was caught by police having 250 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:22,580 sex with her pit bull in her front lawn in the middle of the afternoon. 251 00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:28,340 Plus, pit bulls are bred for fighting, so you know it was makeup sex. 252 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,680 Well, double standard alert. I mean, she's going to jail. 253 00:16:37,210 --> 00:16:40,590 and her partner is just getting punished with a rolled -up newspaper. 254 00:16:42,470 --> 00:16:44,290 Let's take a look at this next gentleman. 255 00:16:44,510 --> 00:16:45,530 What's his problem? 256 00:16:45,850 --> 00:16:47,270 I don't know, but I like it. 257 00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:52,430 He looks like the world's hottest terrorist. 258 00:16:54,010 --> 00:16:58,030 I'm guessing that maybe Daniel Tosh hasn't written back to any of his fan 259 00:16:58,030 --> 00:16:59,030 letters. 260 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,820 He's actually dealing with the age -old problem of having broken into a 261 00:17:03,820 --> 00:17:08,800 firehouse and then masturbating on their hats and hoses and boots and stuff. 262 00:17:10,260 --> 00:17:13,380 I mean, you can't just walk into someone's room and start masturbating on 263 00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:14,720 their things. Yes, you can. 264 00:17:15,140 --> 00:17:19,940 No, you can't. No, you can't, Billy. What is this, freshman year, Sharp Hall, 265 00:17:20,079 --> 00:17:21,079 room 622? 266 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:28,119 Well, I am guessing that the firehouse Dalmatian has a few more spots now. 267 00:17:33,070 --> 00:17:35,430 And that was what their problems were. 268 00:17:40,210 --> 00:17:44,730 But now it's time to drown your baby and then blame it on a black guy. It's 269 00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:45,730 defending your tweet. 270 00:17:47,010 --> 00:17:50,490 You tweeted it. Now I'm going to read it and ask you to defend it in front of 271 00:17:50,490 --> 00:17:51,710 all these people. 272 00:17:52,210 --> 00:17:53,930 Kristen, you're first. 273 00:17:54,670 --> 00:17:59,950 On January 7th, you tweeted, Cherry tomatoes will always have the last 274 00:18:02,010 --> 00:18:03,630 Kristen, defend your tweet. 275 00:18:08,110 --> 00:18:09,570 Leave that tweet alone! 276 00:18:11,190 --> 00:18:12,190 Okay. 277 00:18:15,490 --> 00:18:16,490 Okay. 278 00:18:20,970 --> 00:18:24,270 That was a strong, aggressive defense. 279 00:18:25,830 --> 00:18:27,850 I gotta admit, I didn't expect it. 280 00:18:29,030 --> 00:18:31,130 Billy, moving on to you. 281 00:18:31,480 --> 00:18:36,720 Okay. On October 30th, you tweeted, Okay, guys, I get it. Hayden Christensen 282 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:41,800 wasn't in The Phantom Menace. Ha ha ha ha. What is an Ewok? Ha ha ha ha. 283 00:18:42,060 --> 00:18:43,720 My grandparents are all dead. 284 00:18:48,380 --> 00:18:49,600 Billy, defend your tweet. 285 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,320 No, 286 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:20,000 no, no, no. I don't think they're going to air it, actually. 287 00:19:25,740 --> 00:19:26,140 And 288 00:19:26,140 --> 00:19:32,860 see 289 00:19:32,860 --> 00:19:35,220 Billy on the Street Fridays on Fuse. 290 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:37,120 We'll be right back with more show. 291 00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:58,900 Kristen Shaw. Follow me on Twitter at Anthony Jesselnik and at the show blog 292 00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:03,420 .com slash Jesselnik. And check out the new tour dates for my new spring tour at 293 00:20:03,420 --> 00:20:04,680 anthonyjesselnik .com. 294 00:20:05,060 --> 00:20:08,620 Presale just went live today. Your presale code is the word dark. 295 00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:12,400 We'll see you next week, but before I go, let's take a look back at the best 296 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:13,640 moments from tonight's show. 297 00:20:16,800 --> 00:20:23,020 Hey, Darlene. Who's the black sheep in your family? My sister's kid, Jamal. 298 00:20:48,930 --> 00:20:51,150 Julia Roberts or Julia Stiles? 299 00:20:52,070 --> 00:20:54,290 You don't have to answer that. That's private. 300 00:20:55,370 --> 00:20:56,370 Ah, 301 00:20:57,030 --> 00:20:59,570 memories. Good night, kids. Go read a book. 302 00:21:05,970 --> 00:21:09,630 In your experience, how long does it take a kid who's been abducted to start 303 00:21:09,630 --> 00:21:11,010 identifying with their captors? 304 00:21:11,350 --> 00:21:12,850 After three or four weeks. 305 00:21:13,090 --> 00:21:14,890 So I should give it just a couple days? 306 00:21:15,170 --> 00:21:16,890 Yeah, you want a clock? 307 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,080 Wait, just be patient with kids that are abducted. 308 00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:21,500 Repetition.